enough.

We live in a culture that is always seeking more--more happiness, more income, more cures, more friends, more education. . .blah, blah, blah.

This type of lifestyle results in an overwhelming sense of emptiness. It's a sick cycle--the more you have, the more you want. You never have enough; you're never completely satisfied.

I'm no expert, but I do know that seeking to fill the void in your life with things that are seen will only temporarily satisfy your desire for more.

Though I know this and recognize it as Truth, it is sometimes hard for me to live my life according to it. Over the past few months I have been struggling with the whole idea of having a "go-to person"--someone who I can always depend on. Someone that can offer encouragement when I'm feeling discouraged, as well as a smack in the face when I'm acting stupid. Right now I can't say that I have that person, and I find myself wallowing and wishing that I had that kind of a best friend. Don't get me wrong, I have an absolutely amazing group of friends, but somehow I find myself wanting more. I look at people around me and think, "I want what they have." Let me tell you something: this way of life is not something that I would encourage you to have. It leads you down a path of loneliness and feelings of insufficiency. I don't want this for myself nor anyone else.

I pray that we all may learn to recognize that God is MORE than enough. He is the only one that can fully satisfy the deepest desires of our hearts.

In the Quiet.

Yesterday I was part of an event created to bring awareness for World Aids Day. Everyone who participated was assigned a "time of death," after which we had to remain silent for the rest of the day. Honestly, I didn't think it would be that hard for me to refrain from talking, but boy was I wrong!

It wasn't required, but I also made a commitment to fast from Facebook and texting after my "time of death." Left with no voice for 13 hours, I found myself overwhelmed with a sense of loneliness. You know that saying, "you never know what you have until it's gone?" Yeah...that pretty much sums up my experience yesterday.

The silver lining:

Though not being able to speak was sometimes frustrating, it gave me the opportunity to listen. Unfortunately, I think we sometimes forget how to practice the art of listening. Yesterday several friends of mine, knowing that I wasn't able to speak, sat on the couch in my room and talked about their days/how they are doing. I had nothing to offer them but a listening ear, but that was just what they needed. I shall now add that to the list of reasons why I don't believe in coincidences.

people.

Anyone who knows me also knows that I love people.

Some would say that I am an introvert, but I beg to differ. Honestly, I'm not sure I fit into the introvert/extrovert categories. I am just myself. I love building meaningful relationships with people. I also love pouring into others--whether it is through a simple smile, a drink from McConn, or a word of encouragement--loving on people is my favorite pastime.

Sometimes I am left in a state of awe when I reflect on the people that God has brought into my life. Some of those people are no longer a part of my life, some people send an occasional text or Facebook message, and some of those people are my closest friends. I am incredibly thankful for each and every one of these people. They have encouraged me, taught me, even hurt me...

I'm thankful for the childhood friend that showed me just how blessed I was growing up. I may not have gotten everything that I wanted, but I surely had everything I needed.

I am thankful for the friends that helped me break out of my "shell." Believe it or not, I used to sit by myself in my high school cafeteria :P

I am thankful for the friend that came rushing to my house when I was contemplating suicide. Although she had gotten into a horrible car accident that same day, she didn't hesitate to drive to my house and talk with me until 3am.

I am thankful for the friends that heard my story and responded with, "I love you."

I am thankful for the friend that taught me the value of genuine and meaningful relationships.

The list could go on...

The people that are placed in your life are there for a reason. Don't forget that. God knows what He is doing :)

maps, mountains, and motels.

The perfect way to start the day:

Today was an adventure to say the least. We drove through the Blue Ridge Parkway, which goes through the Smoky Moutains--legit. Lindsey and I couldn't help but laugh at my mom's ridiculous fear of walking anywhere near the lookout views. She's funny.

I touched the clouds. So cool.

The only bad thing is that driving through the mountains took a little longer than we anticipated...the fear that we were going to die in the mountains and no one would find us for weeks ran through my mind a couple of times :P We got super lost, but we were FINALLY able to find our way to a little town in which we found a place to stay the night. It's kinda janky, but it doesn't have cockroaches and it has a bed--that's all that matters :P

Tomorrow we awake at 6am to tackle the rest of our journey home.

Oh, and I saw the ocean for the first time yesterday. (Well, I actually saw it when I was like 3, but I don't remember it, so it doesn't count:P ) I was SO pumped!

road trip.

700 miles. 5 states. 1 day.

States covered: Indiana, Ohio, Kentucky, Tennessee, and North Carolina

I love adventures such as these. It's even better because I convinced my mom to let my "sister," Lindsey, come with us :) The only bummer is that we are on a strict time constraint because of the fact that I must return to school on Monday. Although...dropping out may be an option?? Kidding, kidding. I do wish that we had more time to enjoy the trip a little more, but such is life.

We are calling it a day and staying in a motel that has a...unique smell :P Funny story: As we were turning off the lights, my mom informed us that you are supposed to keep a light on when you stay in a motel. When I asked her why, she responded by saying that is was a precautionary measure--should there be a fire, we would be able to find our way out. Lindsey and I immediately burst out laughing because of the fact that it is HIGHLY unlikely that we would become so disoriented in a fire that we couldn't find our way out of a 20 foot by 10 foot room. My mom is silly.

Well, we are getting up at the crack of dawn to tackle the last 300 miles of the trip so I should go to bed.

Oh, the one good thing about the motel we are staying in: there is a Starbucks RIGHT next to it. Definitely hitting that up in the morning :)

Over and out.

dorm life.

The Buttercream Gang had some fun tonight...

Ah, the joys of dorm life :)

blue flannel shirt.

Today marks 1,534 days without my dad. I miss him a lot today. Don't get me wrong--I always miss him, but some days are worse than others. Today is one of those days. I photographed a wedding yesterday, and the father-daughter dance brought me to tears. It was beautiful. The father, fighting back tears, was holding his daughter tightly as she cried into his shoulder. I often think about the fact that my dad will not be there to walk me down the aisle or dance with me at my wedding. It hurts. A lot.

One of the material things that I cling to on days like these is an old and tattered blue flannel shirt. My dad loved flannel shirts. If you take one glance at this particular one, you would understand just how much he loved wearing it. It may seem silly, but when I wear it, it somehow makes me feel like a little part of him is still with me. It is definitely not "fashionable"--it's way too big, incredibly faded, and has a hole in it--but that doesn't bother me. So if you saw me today wearing a faded flannel shirt that should have been thrown away years ago, you now know why :P

They say that losing a loved one gets easier with time, but I don't believe them. Losing my dad at 16 is something that continues to affect me. It's hard hearing other girls talk about things that they do with their dad. Though they still have the opportunity to make new memories, I am incredibly grateful for the memories that I do have with my dad. I can't wait to run to him and give him the biggest hug ever in Heaven though.

procrastination.

This is what my week has looked like:

I should be working on my Social Policy project that is due tomorrow, yet here I am--sitting in the piazza avoiding my homework like it's the plague. My procrastination on this project will inevitably result in me locking myself in either my room or the library and getting very little sleep tonight, but such is the life of a college student :P Just about everyone on campus is feeling the end-of-semester-craziness.

As of recently, I have found that my mind has often been wandering to thoughts of the future. I am still in denial towards the fact that I am almost done with my first semester of my junior year. I only have 3 more semesters here at IWU--crazy! I am having to constantly remind myself to not be so focused on the future that I neglect to recognize the joys of today. It's becoming increasingly more easy to try to plan out next semester, next summer, next year. Next, next, next. Who knows? Sigh.

Some of the questions racing around my head:

Should I apply to be a RA for next year?

Should I apply to be an ARD?

Should I live in North again?

Should I go to grad. school right after I graduate?

How am I going to pay for next semester?

Where should I get the rest of my volunteer hours?

Will I have enough time to get the rest of my volunteer hours?

What should I do this summer?

Am I going to find a job?

Am I leaving any room for God in the midst of all of this?

sleep evades me.

It is currently 2:13 am, and I wish I were sleeping.

Unfortunately, sleep is evading me as thoughts continue to race through my mind.

Tonight my thoughts traveled back to September 5, 2007. The day of my father's funeral.

It's strange--the memories seem so distant, but I can picture certain parts of that day as if it all happened yesterday. The one thing that was brought to my mind tonight was what happened on the way to my father's burial. Some of you may already know this story, but I am going to share it anyways. Maybe if I type out my thoughts, I will be able to find some sleep :) Also, please forgive me for any grammatical errors--at this time of day, I don't place grammar as a high priority. My dear friend, Kimberly, would support me in this stance, and I hope the rest of you will, too. haha.

So...back to the story...

My father's funeral service was held at my church, which is about 20-some miles from where the cemetery is. After the funeral service, we all loaded up in our vehicles to drive to the burial. Though my mother was a little apprehensive about me driving (apparently she thought that my emotional state was not stable, though I hadn't cried yet that day), she finally caved and let me drive my car to the cemetery.

We hadn't made it even 5 miles from the church when I saw something in my rear-view mirror that made my heart sink--two vehicles colliding. At that moment, time literally seemed to slow. My mind quickly processed what was happening as I saw pieces of debris flying in the air. I slammed on the breaks and yelled, "Jami got into an accident!" My mom didn't even have time to respond before I jumped out of the car and started running toward the wreckage. My heart was pounding. What if she's dead? I can't handle another death, I thought to myself. Horrendous cries of the child that was in the other vehicle pierced my ears. As I came closer to my friend's vehicle, I was trying to prepare myself for what could be a very gruesome sight. I held my breath. I let out a deep sigh of relief when I saw that my friend, who had been such an amazing support after my father's death, was alive. She got out of her car, a little dazed and in shock, but she was alive. I can't even begin to explain the whirlwind of emotions I was experiencing in these moments.

Though I knew that I had to go to my father's burial, I didn't want to leave my friend's side. After her assuring me numerous times that she was "okay," I had to be almost dragged from her side. Needless to say, we were late for the burial, but I'm sure my daddy didn't mind. I was just thankful that I didn't lose another person from my life that day. Despite the degree of severity of the wreck, Jami walked away with nothing to show but some bruises and soreness. Praise the Lord.

As I look back on this day, I sometimes think, I can't believe that actually happened.

Ah, the clock now reads 2:45am. Goodnight, world.

p.s. Tune in soon for part 2 of this story :)

Someday...

Today, you are struggling with an addiction...

but someday God will break the chains that have held you captive for so long.

Today, you find your identity and worth in others' perceptions of who you are...

but someday God's affection will be all you need and want.

Today, you religiously count calories and hate the reflection you see in the mirror...

but someday God's love will overcome.

Today, you are grieving the sudden lost of a loved one...

but someday He will wipe away every tear.

Today, there is brokenness...

but someday there will be healing.

A common perception in the Church is that right now we must trudge through this life--just survive--until either (A): we die and walk through the gates of Heaven to see our Creator face to face, or (B): We are called home during Jesus' second coming. As we grudgingly walk through the hardships and messiness of life, we think to ourselves, someday this will all be over. Somehow we have convinced ourselves that all we have to look forward to is the end of our lives here on this earth--lives that are seemingly filled with disappointment after disappointment.

I've got news for you: this is not the kind of life that God wants us to live.

We don't have to live waiting for the aforementioned "someday," my friends. Christ himself has invited us to pray for and experience the will and presence of the Father "on earth as it is in Heaven!" What I'm not saying: if you become a Christian, you will instantly be healthy and wealthy--that's just silly (great rebuttal, huh? haha). Through Scripture, God has clearly explained that we will face hardships in this life. What I am saying: I think that having a "someday" mentality often keeps many of us from experiencing the wonderful and transformational power of God in the here and now.

Just a few things that I love about my God:

He can wipe away tears today.

He can break spiritual strongholds today.

He can heal brokenness today.

He can turn your world completely upside down today.

I don't want to be just another one of those "someday" Christians. I want to recognize the constant reminders of God's faithfulness in this life. I want to access the inexplainable power of Christ today. I want to bask in the presence of my Heavenly Father on earth.

I challenge you to join me.

the beauty of today.

I am breathing, the sun is shining, and the leaves are changing colors.

Rain may be in the forecast, but...today is beautiful.

In her book Cold Tangerines, Shauna Niequist challenges readers to embrace the beauty of their every day lives:

"What God does in the tiny corners of our day-to-day lives is stunning and gorgeous and headline-making, but we have a bad habit of saving the headlines for the grotesque and scary."

Unfortunately, it is quite easy to look at life through the lenses of disappointment, fear, hatred, worry, and brokenness. Those elements of life always attempt to push their way to the front of the line, but we are still left with a choice. In the moments that we are stuck in the rain without an umbrella, we have a choice--a choice that can make or break this gift of life that we have been given. We can either drown ourselves in the inconveniences of life, or we can rejoice in the reminders of God's faithfulness.

So today I challenge you to bask in the beauty of today. It will change your life. I promise.

old news.

I have a confession to make:

I am not perfect.

pursued.

What girl doesn't want to be pursued?

We grow up hearing bedtime stories and watching movies about various Prince Charmings who chase after and rescue their Princesses, most even risking their own well-being for the one they love. As we get older, we watch movies like the Notebook or [insert title of Matthew McConaughey movie here]--only hoping that we will someday have our own fairy tale love story. We all long for our Prince Charming to come along and sweep us off our feet...

But what if we are so focused on finding our "true love" that we are completely blind toward the One who has been pursuing us all along?

God loves you. I know, you've heard it a million and a half times, but have you ever truly absorbed the meaning of that statement? Seriously...it's pretty crazy. The One who hung the sun, moon and stars in place loves us. Sayy whaaattttt?!?!

I have grown up in the Church and have gone to a Christian school for the majority of my life, yet I still have stop and remind myself that God loves me and desires an intimate relationship with me. Even more than that, because of His love for me, He took all of my sin--past and future--upon Himself and drank the wrath that I deserved. He was willing to do whatever it cost to restore my relationship with Him. Talk about a beautiful love story!

Unfortunately, it is so easy to let the noise of this world muffle out the love song our Creator has been singing to us our whole life. This semester I am challenging myself to hear and respond to His love song. This may mean that I give up some time normally spent on Facebook, or I may choose to go on a walk with God instead of with a friend. Who knows...but I double dog dare you to join me :)

puddle jumping.

When my alarm clock went off at 7:30 this morning, I was less than pleased. In fact, I hit snooze, turned over, and pulled the covers over my head. I always have this silly thought that if I just bury myself beneath my covers my alarm will conveniently forget about me. I was thoroughly disappointed ten minutes later when I discovered this wasn't so.

Barely coherent, I rolled out of bed and got ready for class. I struggled through my first two classes. Trying to comprehend statistics was an even bigger struggle. By the time that I figured out what I was doing, class was over. I needed coffee bad. Real bad.

Mondays are always dreaded, right? I mean, no one likes to admit the fact that the weekend is over and they must now face whatever responsibilities that may lie ahead. Today quickly became a "blah" day for me. I even had a few friends ask me if it was "that time of month." I laughed it off, and said no. Honestly, I didn't know why...scratch that, I didn't even know WHAT I was feeling. I just knew that I didn't want to go to class.

Then it began to rain. Lots.

As I ran from my class in the Rec to Elder, I couldn't help but smile. I was so unprepared for the rain, let alone a downpour. Everyone was huddled under umbrellas...except for me. I was soaked.

Sitting through the next hour of class with soaking wet jeans, socks, shoes, and hair wasn't the greatest, but I couldn't stop smiling. I felt like a little kid, anxious to go puddle jumping after school. At the end of the class period, my professor handed out a quiz. I zoomed through it as fast as I could. I would periodically look out the window, making sure that it was still raining. As soon as I finished the quiz, I ran down the three flights of stairs, took off my shoes and socks, and jumped in every puddle between Elder and North Hall. Sure, I got a few strange looks, but it was so much fun! I even took the long way back :)

Moral of the story: "Life is full of beauty. Notice it." [Ashley Smith]

Broken

I am drained. Drained in every aspect of the word--physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

I feel as if I have nothing left to offer.

The sad part about this is that it is only the second week of classes...

Last night after Summit I came back to North Hall and had a breakdown. I cried. Lots.

You may be wondering why I was crying, and the answer to that is kind of silly. I won't mention the specific situation that led to this breakdown, but let's just say that I have been really struggling with what it looks like for me to be Becca--Becca the Christian, Becca the Student, Becca the Friend, Becca the RA. This past week especially I have just been feeling completely discouraged. I feel as though I am disappointing people, which I hate. Last night everything hit me at full force, and I shattered.

But wait, here's the kicker...I prayed for this.

Remember my post a few days ago in which I prayed for God to break America, and to start with me? Yeah....

So here I am. Broken.

Ignorance is Bliss?

Facebook status on my newsfeed today: "why do people stand on the corner asking for money? I think their teachers in school made comments on their grade cards 'does not use time wisely.'"

My immediate reaction was anger, then it slowly faded into frustration, and now I am left heartbroken.

When did we lose love and respect for our fellow brothers and sisters?

Are those who are homeless and hungry and broken somehow not included in the command to "love one another?"

Comments such as the one mentioned above, as well as pictures like the one I posted leave me literally sick to my stomach. Sometimes my heartache even brings me to the point of tears. I pray for those who are so quick to judge those who are standing on the street asking for money. I pray that their eyes may be opened--that they would develop empathy for those who are not as fortunate as they. I pray also for myself, that I may never turn from an opportunity to be the hands and feet of Christ, that I may never hesitate to be love to those who have been labeled "unloveable." Before calling the homeless "lazy," "stupid," "bums," or "irresponsible," listen to their story. I know that you have probably heard this a million times, but they are people, too. They are someone's mother, father, daughter, son, brother, or sister. You have no idea what brought them to this place in their life unless you take the time to listen.

You are no better than they. They are made in the image of Christ, too. Never forget that.

Don't get me wrong, I am not telling you that every time you see someone begging for money you MUST give them money. I am just suggesting that instead of looking down at the sidewalk as you walk past them...make eye contact, smile, say hello, introduce yourself, LOVE THEM.

God Break America

Today marks the 10th anniversary of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks.

My Facebook news feed has been filled with posts remembering and honoring the thousands of men and women who were lost that day. "God Bless America" is always a popular phrase on days like these, but I often wonder what would happen if we instead prayed, "God break America."

What would that even look like?

I strongly believe that true and heartfelt surrender begins with being completely broken and contrite in the presence of God--recognizing our sinful state, as well as God's omnipotence. Over the past few years, I have been slowly learning about brokenness before God. Am I where I need to be? Of course not, but I am striving toward a state of brokenness each and every day. Striving for brokenness? Yep! I am doing this because I know that God begins where we--our strength, patience, love, courage, endurance--end.

Praying for brokenness takes major guts. Who knows what may result.

Despite the unknown, this is my prayer: God, break America, but start with me.

What Brought Me Here

Today, I am choosing to be thankful for:

The days that I felt invisible...

The nights that I cried myself to sleep...

The friendships that I have lost...

The prayers that remain unanswered...

The opportunities that I have missed...

The promises that have been broken...

The expectations that were not met...

The mistakes that have been made...

The dreams that have been shattered...

...for each of these has brought me to where I am today.

Here I sit, the night before my first day of classes as a junior in college, praising God for His constant faithfulness. If you were to tell me five years ago, scratch that, if you were to tell me ONE year ago that I would be where I am today, I would have laughed it off. Yet here I am.

God is good. (Don't let the popularity of this statement diminish the Truth of this statement.)

Dead to sin, Alive in Christ

Many of my closest friends will know that my heart aches in light of the current condition of the Church. My stomach churns as I look at all the hypocrisy, bitterness, judgement, and even fear that is beginning to define the Body of Christ in the eyes of many.

How did we end up here?

Yes, I recognize the existence of our sinful nature, but didn't Jesus Christ offer us freedom from that? Did He not call us OUT of darkness and INTO light? Don't tune me out here. I am no less guilty than the next person. I do not deserve to be called a Daughter of God, yet He Himself has named me such. It's illogical and I love it! :)

One of the assignments that I was given in my New Testament class last semester was to write a short essay tackling the relationship between the Christian life and sin. The conclusion of my paper? Well, to put it simply, the Bible makes it clear that those who have surrendered their lives to God and have been made righteous through the death and resurrection of Christ should sin no more. Tough words to chew, huh?

Sadly, the Truth found in the Scriptures is often watered down in order to assure us a comfortable, carefree lifestyle. I myself am guilty of underestimating the freeing power of the death and resurrection of Christ. I often live my life in a way that is completely contradictory to what Scripture describes as "the Christian life," but I want to change that through the strength of my Savior.

You may think I am crazy to declare that it is possible for Christians to live a sin-free life, and I am okay with that. Did not many turn away from Jesus when He began to teach radical Truths to the crowds on the mountainsides? Just think about it.

"Everyone who sins breaks the law; in fact, sin is lawlessness.

But you know that he (Christ) appeared so that he might take away our sins.

And in him is no sin. No one who lives in him keeps sinning.

No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him." 1 John 3:4-6

Faint Not

As of recently, my heart has been incredibly burdened.

My mind has been constantly mulling over various statistics...

27 MILLION people are in modern day slavery.

161 COUNTRIES have been identified as affected by human trafficking.

1 in 8 AMERICANS struggles with hunger.

Over 40 MILLION Americans are on food stamps.

1 REPORT of child abuse is made every ten seconds.

5 CHILDREN die every day as a result of child abuse.

How do I even begin to respond to these horrifyingly overwhelming statistics?

Honestly, reading about the atrocities that occur throughout the world, and even in my own "backyard," can be sometimes overwhelming, and can also leave me with feelings of hopelessness. There have been days and nights that I go before God begging Him to right all of these wrongs, and for Him to intercede in a powerful way. Child soldiers, sexual abuse, human trafficking--how am I ever going to have a lasting impact when faced with all of these horrible realities? I certainly know that God has gifted me with a heart of love, compassion, and vision, but sometimes I wonder if that is enough.

In the midst of all the heartbreak, I am clinging to the hope provided by Jesus Christ.

Though I know that God will soon wipe away every tear, this does not negate our command to make the most of every opportunity and administer His grace. Here I am, Lord, use me.

"Where there is hatred, let me sow love

where there is injury, let me pardon

where there is darkness, let the Light come, come

O my soul, faint not, no

faint not | o my soul, keep up, up

in love"

[Jenny & Tyler]