This Is Home

5 letters, but the bondage this word brings is immeasurable. Shame has a way of creeping in to every crevice of your life, continually feeding you lie after lie after lie. I recently heard a sermon in which the pastor labeled temptation as a lie. These lies are sweetly whispered into our ears. We hear them, we believe them, and we act upon them. You are . . . [fill in the blank].           A failure           Never going to be truly happy           Alone It is . . . [fill in the blank]          Just one time          Harmless          No big deal The power that shame can hold over a person can be crippling. Your thoughts, actions, words - they are all effected. Your life soon becomes a game in which the revealing of your "true identity" would, in your thoughts, end in heartbreak. No one can know this. That's it - you're c...

Since my father's death dreams have been a big part of my life. They have acted as both a channel for God to speak to me, as well as a foothold for the enemy. It's been almost five years since my father's death and I am sometimes still haunted with nightmares. I am writing this post to tell you of a dream that I too quickly labeled as a nightmare. I'm beginning to learn something about dreams. . . just because they "shake you up" it doesn't mean they are nightmares. I'm learning that God chooses to teach me about myself through dreams. He also reminds me of His goodness and faithfulness. Maybe that is why Satan chooses dreams as his way of getting to me. Anyway - The dream: I learn that my family has been the victim of a horrendous and unspeakable crime. Standing in our living room, facing the window, I begin to cry out to God. "Why would you let this happen to us, God?! Why?!" Amongst the pain and tears and confusion, anger began to sl...

Disclaimer: I don't have all the answers. The contents of this post are merely the result of some tough questions that I have been wrestling through with God over the course of the last few months. I, in no way, wish to debate. I am, however, open for discussion. While digging through some rather muddy waters, the thought that I keep coming back to is, "something's not right." I am no theologian - I don't even have my college degree yet, but it doesn't take a genius to recognize the inconsistencies within the claims of the Church and the actions that follow those claims. For example, we fight tooth and nail for the "sanctity of life," yet this doctrine seems to be nulled when homosexuality is thrown in the mix. We preach on the practices of forgiveness and reconciliation on Sunday, but come Monday continue to burn bridges in the name of "righteousness." To be honest, I am surprised that my jaw has not immediately dropped in response to...

Let me start out with a journal excerpt from November 4, 2009: They say things will get easier with time. They're wrong. 793 days later and my heart still aches the same. But what scares me the most is that I'm beginning to forget... I'm beginning to forget what your voice sounds like. I'm beginning to forget the feeling of your embrace. I'm beginning to forget. Memories of you are becoming distant. My fists grow weak as I cling to fading memories. It has now been 1,654 since my dad passed away. The past few days have been pretty rough. Four and a half years later and I am beginning to fully face the realities of life without my daddy. It's strange, but my dad is always still in my dreams. It's like a part of me still hasn't fully grasped the fact that he is gone. Honestly, I cling to the fact that he is still in my dreams. It assures me that I haven't forgotten him (I know, it seems silly. Who would ever forget their dad, right?). What sparked this ...

You know those days/weeks/months that you are constantly on the go and when you finally sit down you feel like you never want to move again? Well, I'm experiencing that right now. I have been debating for the past 15 minutes or so whether or not I should muster up the energy required to make coffee--pathetic, I know. Honestly, I wouldn't mind snuggling up with my penguin pillow pet and resting my eyes for a bit. Unfortunately, "resting my eyes" has a high potential of turning into a 12 hour nap :P What's even worse is that I haven't started studying for my 2 midterms that I have tomorrow morning. You may be wondering why I am writing a blog instead of studying. My answer: because I feel like it. Yes, I recognize that my logic is flawed. Don't you worry--I'll study...eventually.

One theme that God has been placing in my life over the past few years is one of vulnerability. Merriam-Webster online Dictionary defines "vulnerable" as: 1. capable of being physically or emotionally wounded 2. open to attack or damage My gut reaction to the idea of vulnerability is "No way!" But when God continues to whisper something over and over and over and over and OVER in your life, it becomes difficult to ignore after some time. Opening yourself up to the possibility of being hurt is terrifying, but it is out of vulnerability that some of the most amazingly beautiful moments are created.

Today is a good day! Scratch that--today is a WONDERFUL day! Today, I broke my long streak of "Hot Mess Mondays." I got up early and had breakfast with Courtney. She's legit. So thankful for her! My environment & society class consisted of watching a movie about corn and making dirt pudding. THE SUN IS SHINING!!! A girl in my Philosophy class moved in her chair and it made a sound that almost exactly resembled a Wookiee from Star Wars. We sang "Lean on Me" in chapel. THE SUN IS SHINING!!! We went to a cemetery in my lab today, which sounds morbid, but it was rather fascinating. I was able to continue to enjoy the beautiful weather by walking with Marcy (she be cool, real cool) to Elder. Have I mentioned that THE SUN IS SHINING?!!! Today is just a delightful day :) Recently I have been left in a state of awe and gratitude in light of God's faithfulness. I could write a whole book about it! Hmm...maybe I will ;)

It has been 7 days since I indefinitely deactivated my Facebook, and I couldn't be more at peace about taking a break from the numerous status updates, engagement announcements, relationship changes, notifications, event invites, etc. As sad as it may seem, I find myself sitting in my room at times when I would normally be on Facebook and wondering what in the world I should do with all of my extra time. A few things I am doing: Devotions (I am determined to do this whole One Year Bible thing) Focusing more on intentionality in my friendships Homework (Say whaaaatttt?!?! Yep, you heard me right) Keeping up-to-date on current events Training for a 5k Embracing the opportunities found in each and every day The first few Facebook-less days were quite a challenge for me. I found myself opening my computer and immediately typing "www.facebook.com" It was ridiculous and somewhat disgusting how I was in a sort of auto-pilot--automatically going to Facebook before doing anything ...

I've been on campus for 5 days. I was already completely exhausted by the first day of classes. Since returning to campus, my nights have consisted of very little sleep. Not that I don't TRY to sleep. I just can't. If I could pick one word to describe my feelings the past few days, it would be restless. My RA application is due in 9 days, but I have yet to start it. Every time that I sit down to work on the essays, I am completely overcome by fear. I absolutely hate the unknown. It scares the bajeebies out of me! I think this has been the cause of my inability to sleep. Now that I have been a Negative Nancy, let me tell you something: God is faithful. Yesterday I hit a low point. By the time 10pm rolled around, I was completely drained--I had nothing left to offer. After our little Welcome Back Bash for Westside, I went to my room. Once I shut my door, I began to cry. I needed rest. Still crying, I fell into my bed, and the only prayer that I could muster up was: "Go...