1,654 days.

Let me start out with a journal excerpt from November 4, 2009:

They say things will get easier with time.
They're wrong.
793 days later and my heart still aches the same.
But what scares me the most is that
I'm beginning to forget...
I'm beginning to forget what your voice sounds like.
I'm beginning to forget the feeling of your embrace.
I'm beginning to forget.
Memories of you are becoming distant.
My fists grow weak as I cling to fading memories.

It has now been 1,654 since my dad passed away. The past few days have been pretty rough. Four and a half years later and I am beginning to fully face the realities of life without my daddy.

It's strange, but my dad is always still in my dreams. It's like a part of me still hasn't fully grasped the fact that he is gone. Honestly, I cling to the fact that he is still in my dreams. It assures me that I haven't forgotten him (I know, it seems silly. Who would ever forget their dad, right?).

What sparked this blog post was the fact that my dad wasn't in my dream the other night, but my step-dad was. I woke up with a jumble of emotions...I was bitter, sad, angry, scared, and more. Am I forgetting him? Have I moved on? How do you move on from losing your father as a junior in high school?

The wound is still raw. I miss him. Alot.

can't. move.

You know those days/weeks/months that you are constantly on the go and when you finally sit down you feel like you never want to move again? Well, I'm experiencing that right now. I have been debating for the past 15 minutes or so whether or not I should muster up the energy required to make coffee--pathetic, I know. Honestly, I wouldn't mind snuggling up with my penguin pillow pet and resting my eyes for a bit. Unfortunately, "resting my eyes" has a high potential of turning into a 12 hour nap :P What's even worse is that I haven't started studying for my 2 midterms that I have tomorrow morning. You may be wondering why I am writing a blog instead of studying. My answer: because I feel like it. Yes, I recognize that my logic is flawed. Don't you worry--I'll study...eventually.

the good, the bad, the ugly.

One theme that God has been placing in my life over the past few years is one of vulnerability.

Merriam-Webster online Dictionary defines "vulnerable" as:

1. capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

2. open to attack or damage

My gut reaction to the idea of vulnerability is "No way!" But when God continues to whisper something over and over and over and over and OVER in your life, it becomes difficult to ignore after some time. Opening yourself up to the possibility of being hurt is terrifying, but it is out of vulnerability that some of the most amazingly beautiful moments are created.

Monday.

Today is a good day! Scratch that--today is a WONDERFUL day!

Today, I broke my long streak of "Hot Mess Mondays."

I got up early and had breakfast with Courtney. She's legit. So thankful for her!

My environment & society class consisted of watching a movie about corn and making dirt pudding.

THE SUN IS SHINING!!!

A girl in my Philosophy class moved in her chair and it made a sound that almost exactly resembled a Wookiee from Star Wars.

We sang "Lean on Me" in chapel.

THE SUN IS SHINING!!!

We went to a cemetery in my lab today, which sounds morbid, but it was rather fascinating.

I was able to continue to enjoy the beautiful weather by walking with Marcy (she be cool, real cool) to Elder.

Have I mentioned that THE SUN IS SHINING?!!!

Today is just a delightful day :)

Recently I have been left in a state of awe and gratitude in light of God's faithfulness.

I could write a whole book about it! Hmm...maybe I will ;)

7 days later...

It has been 7 days since I indefinitely deactivated my Facebook, and I couldn't be more at peace about taking a break from the numerous status updates, engagement announcements, relationship changes, notifications, event invites, etc.

As sad as it may seem, I find myself sitting in my room at times when I would normally be on Facebook and wondering what in the world I should do with all of my extra time.

A few things I am doing:

• Devotions (I am determined to do this whole One Year Bible thing)
• Focusing more on intentionality in my friendships
• Homework (Say whaaaatttt?!?! Yep, you heard me right)
• Keeping up-to-date on current events
• Training for a 5k
• Embracing the opportunities found in each and every day

The first few Facebook-less days were quite a challenge for me. I found myself opening my computer and immediately typing "www.facebook.com" It was ridiculous and somewhat disgusting how I was in a sort of auto-pilot--automatically going to Facebook before doing anything else on my computer. I never fully realized how much my life revolved around that online social network until now.

*raises invisible glass*

So here's to living my life outside of Facebook.

yep, i did it.

uncertainties.

I've been on campus for 5 days.

I was already completely exhausted by the first day of classes.

Since returning to campus, my nights have consisted of very little sleep. Not that I don't TRY to sleep. I just can't. If I could pick one word to describe my feelings the past few days, it would be restless.

My RA application is due in 9 days, but I have yet to start it. Every time that I sit down to work on the essays, I am completely overcome by fear. I absolutely hate the unknown. It scares the bajeebies out of me! I think this has been the cause of my inability to sleep.

Now that I have been a Negative Nancy, let me tell you something: God is faithful.

Yesterday I hit a low point. By the time 10pm rolled around, I was completely drained--I had nothing left to offer. After our little Welcome Back Bash for Westside, I went to my room. Once I shut my door, I began to cry. I needed rest.

Still crying, I fell into my bed, and the only prayer that I could muster up was:

"God, I need you. I'm exhausted."

Though I didn't have enough energy to form anything close to an eloquent prayer, God still heard me. I slept like a rock! God is good :)

Today's happy thoughts:

- I'm alive.

- I got 7 solid hours of sleep last night.

- McConn had my favorite fresh brew: Black Label.

"In the new year, I will live one day at a time. I will make each day one of preparation for better things ahead. I will not dwell on the past or the future, only on the present. I will bury every fear of the future, all thoughts of unkindness and bitterness, all my dislikes, my resentments, my sense of failure, my disappointments in others and in myself, my gloom and my despondency. I will leave all these things buried and go forward..."

[Taken from: Twenty-four Hours a Day]