late night scribblings.

I found myself unable to sleep a few nights ago, and this was the result . . .

It isn't until nightfall that you feel it,

The ache for rest never found.

When your head hits the pillow,

And your gaze is Heaven-bound.

You feed the anxious thoughts:

Can I trust?

Do I matter?

Am I really enough?

In this moment of transparency

You shed a fear-filled tear.

Your eyes fall heavily.

You wonder if He hears.

You sleep, then you dream.

Of all that which you hope for,

Yet never see. 

22 Snapshots

These are 22 snapshots into the past 22 years of my life. It was INCREDIBLY difficult to choose just 22 photos, so don't feel sad if you aren't included in any of them. If you are reading this, chances are we have walked a portion of our journeys together, and that is something that I truly appreciate. I have been blessed with so many wonderful people in my life.

My mom, dad, and I. I still own that Flounder stuffed animal :) 

I was THRILLED when we got Bonnie (the Butterscotch Beagle)

My best friends growing up :)

I decided to play soccer my senior year of high school - no regrets

These girls were always cracking me up. 

                                                  

   I was blessed with some incredible friends in high school - miss them to pieces

Why yes - we DID move our RA's desk into her bathroom. Freshman year was filled with pranks. 

          

                   The Buttercream Gang began the tradition of waiting in line for FNL hours before it began.  

My Central Church buds (some of them at least) I always LOVE chilling with these peeps - especially when fireworks are involved ;)

Fishing - so many fun memories!

Road trip to North Carolina with the little "sister!"

Floor Sister RA's - BPuff is one of the most legit people out there. 

Having these girls as my residents was one of the biggest blessings during my 4 years here at IWU. 

Once upon a time Chick-Fil-A came to IWU - one of the best days ever! 

New friends are pretty legit - love these girls to death! This was taken during our trip to Chicago to see Needtobreathe in concert :) 

       

The Pocket Monsters! Best intramural bowling league out there! 

Nothing like a last minute decision to hitching a ridge with the Goods to Florida - so much fun! Snorkeling was quite an adventure!

This girl "followed" me to IWU - couldn't be happier. 

This one time Rachel got married and there was a torrential downpour. Good times, good times.

Leslie is, by far, the best Resident Director out there. I have been so encouraged by her over the past three years. Beckett Hall is filled with so many wonderful memories. It's definitely going to be hard to leave. 

Although it was only for a semester, I truly enjoyed the time I spent with these crazy kids at Bethel's Youth Group.

The amount of shenanigans I have taken part in with this girl is ridiculous.
Meg, I'd say we have "left our mark" at IWU ;)

The biggest lesson I have learned over the past 22 years: 

Life is full of little joys, recognize and embrace them. 

The Shadows of Shame.

5 letters, but the bondage this word brings is immeasurable. Shame has a way of creeping in to every crevice of your life, continually feeding you lie after lie after lie. I recently heard a sermon in which the pastor labeled temptation as a lie. These lies are sweetly whispered into our ears. We hear them, we believe them, and we act upon them.

You are . . . [fill in the blank].

          A failure

          Never going to be truly happy

          Alone

It is . . . [fill in the blank]

         Just one time

         Harmless

         No big deal

The power that shame can hold over a person can be crippling. Your thoughts, actions, words - they are all effected. Your life soon becomes a game in which the revealing of your "true identity" would, in your thoughts, end in heartbreak. No one can know this. That's it - you're convinced.

Another lie whispered and believed.
Another face hidden safely behind a mask.
Another heart hurting in the shadows of shame.

nightmare.

Since my father's death dreams have been a big part of my life. They have acted as both a channel for God to speak to me, as well as a foothold for the enemy. It's been almost five years since my father's death and I am sometimes still haunted with nightmares. I am writing this post to tell you of a dream that I too quickly labeled as a nightmare. I'm beginning to learn something about dreams. . . just because they "shake you up" it doesn't mean they are nightmares. I'm learning that God chooses to teach me about myself through dreams. He also reminds me of His goodness and faithfulness. Maybe that is why Satan chooses dreams as his way of getting to me.

Anyway - The dream:

I learn that my family has been the victim of a horrendous and unspeakable crime.
Standing in our living room, facing the window, I begin to cry out to God.
"Why would you let this happen to us, God?! Why?!" Amongst the pain and tears and confusion, anger began to slip in. . .toward God. Instead of crying out to Him, I started yelling at Him. I wiped the tears from my face and looked out the window. There he was. The man that was responsible for the earlier mentioned crime. My anger boiled over. I cursed at him and hit the window. I was yelling at the top of my lungs "Why would you do this to us?! I hate you!" My tears were causing my sight to blur. I blinked. He was gone. All I could see was my reflection, yet I continued to yell and curse. I knew he was there. I wanted him to know how horrible of a person he was. How much pain he had caused me and my family. I truly believed that he deserved to die for what he did.

I woke up from the dream and immediately labeled it as a nightmare.
I went to church the next morning and during worship, I thought of the dream.
A vivid replay went through my head.
I couldn't shake it.

Was the man that was "responsible" for all of this hurt ever really outside my window?
Was I yelling at myself the whole time?

amongst the grays.

Disclaimer: I don't have all the answers. The contents of this post are merely the result of some tough questions that I have been wrestling through with God over the course of the last few months. I, in no way, wish to debate. I am, however, open for discussion.

While digging through some rather muddy waters, the thought that I keep coming back to is, "something's not right." I am no theologian - I don't even have my college degree yet, but it doesn't take a genius to recognize the inconsistencies within the claims of the Church and the actions that follow those claims. For example, we fight tooth and nail for the "sanctity of life," yet this doctrine seems to be nulled when homosexuality is thrown in the mix. We preach on the practices of forgiveness and reconciliation on Sunday, but come Monday continue to burn bridges in the name of "righteousness."

To be honest, I am surprised that my jaw has not immediately dropped in response to some things that I have heard self-proclaimed "Christ followers" say. What's even worse is that many Christians use the Word of God to condone their prejudice, hatred, and mudslinging. Yep - you heard me right. Verses like Matthew 5:11 - "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me." - are used as justification for Christians to act and speak in ways that would (I'm pretty sure) cause Jesus to toss over a few tables in frustration. I can't imagine that God intended this verse to promise blessings to believers who treat others with an immense amount of disrespect. We often apply this verse to "us" (believers) versus "them" (non-believers) situations, but what if it was speaking more toward Pharisees "versus" Disciples (both of whom are "believers")? What if the persecution that Jesus was referring to was actually the result of Christ followers actually following Christ's lead? I'm not wanting to teach watered down doctrine or tolerance, in fact I'm speaking against it. As I said earlier, I'm not wanting a debate, but I encourage you to seriously and prayerfully re-evaluate the Church. As they say, everything is not always black and white. I challenge you to wrestle with the questions that are found amongst the grays.

p.s. I have not lost hope in the Church.

1,654 days.

Let me start out with a journal excerpt from November 4, 2009:

They say things will get easier with time.
They're wrong.
793 days later and my heart still aches the same.
But what scares me the most is that
I'm beginning to forget...
I'm beginning to forget what your voice sounds like.
I'm beginning to forget the feeling of your embrace.
I'm beginning to forget.
Memories of you are becoming distant.
My fists grow weak as I cling to fading memories.

It has now been 1,654 since my dad passed away. The past few days have been pretty rough. Four and a half years later and I am beginning to fully face the realities of life without my daddy.

It's strange, but my dad is always still in my dreams. It's like a part of me still hasn't fully grasped the fact that he is gone. Honestly, I cling to the fact that he is still in my dreams. It assures me that I haven't forgotten him (I know, it seems silly. Who would ever forget their dad, right?).

What sparked this blog post was the fact that my dad wasn't in my dream the other night, but my step-dad was. I woke up with a jumble of emotions...I was bitter, sad, angry, scared, and more. Am I forgetting him? Have I moved on? How do you move on from losing your father as a junior in high school?

The wound is still raw. I miss him. Alot.

can't. move.

You know those days/weeks/months that you are constantly on the go and when you finally sit down you feel like you never want to move again? Well, I'm experiencing that right now. I have been debating for the past 15 minutes or so whether or not I should muster up the energy required to make coffee--pathetic, I know. Honestly, I wouldn't mind snuggling up with my penguin pillow pet and resting my eyes for a bit. Unfortunately, "resting my eyes" has a high potential of turning into a 12 hour nap :P What's even worse is that I haven't started studying for my 2 midterms that I have tomorrow morning. You may be wondering why I am writing a blog instead of studying. My answer: because I feel like it. Yes, I recognize that my logic is flawed. Don't you worry--I'll study...eventually.