my semicolon;

Quote from Project Semicolon

I try to avoid this part of my story. Vulnerability is terrifying - I don't want to write out some of my darkest moments, but recently I have felt led by the Holy Spirit to share more of my story. So here I am, typing. 

As many of you know, my father passed away when I was 16. After his death, my life began to unravel. I didn't want anyone to know how badly I was hurting, so I would let all of my emotions out while I was driving to and from work or school. Somedays I would be crying so hard that I could barely see the road ahead. 

I would cry. I would scream at God. 
I was devastated. I was confused. I was angry. 

I vividly remember one day screaming to God that I hated him. 

The days, weeks, months and even years following my father's death were very dark. In all honesty, I was in and out of a state of depression. Just getting out of bed was a challenge some days. I lost myself in a cloud of shame and sadness. 

I didn't want to need anyone. I hate feeling like I am burden to others, so I tried to navigate through the darkness by myself. Sure, I would let people see part of my hurt. But I wouldn't dare let someone completely into my struggling. 

The darkness consumed me, but people continued to praise me for being "so strong." I wasn't strong at all. I walked through those days like a hollow corpse. I wasn't truly living; I was empty. 

On several occasions, I contemplated ending my life. If I were driving and a semi was approaching in the other lane, I would consider swerving into it. I truly believed there was nothing to live for; that my life had no value. 

The pain that life can bring is ugly. It's hard to talk about. So we bury it. 

It wasn't until college that I finally came to a place in my life where I was ready to ask for help. With the encouragement from a friend, I chose to see a therapist. For the longest time, I didn't want people to know about this part of my story. Therapists are only for "crazy people," right? 

Wrong. 

I am so thankful for the friend who encouraged me to seek professional help. With the help of counseling, a wonderful support system, and my always-faithful God, I am sitting here today. 

Going through three years of counseling was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Scratch that - it was THE hardest thing I've ever done. But it was completely worth it. My therapist and I worked together to uncover past hurts and resolve them. I learned to forgive myself and others. 

Do I still struggle with that darkness? Yes. But I am learning that it's okay to ask for help. God did not create us to walk through this life alone; we need each other. 

I guess what I hope you get out of my story is this: If you are struggling today, please don't give up. Let your story continue to be written.