This is Home

For years, this blog was titled "Thoughts from a Stranger." The title stemmed from a core belief that everything was temporary — this world, my body, this life. I used this belief as a lifeline when the things around me felt overwhelmingly cruel. It was easier to digest all the pain in the world when I believed "this isn't home." It brought me comfort that we were simply strangers passing through what felt like a God-forsaken world. That there was something, somewhere better to come. 

This blog's URL is the same as when I first created it in 2010: this-isnt-home. It was my theology summed up in three little words. I'm keeping it. It's a reminder of where I've been — of who I've been. 

I've always looked at life through a lens of questioning and curiosity. I remember asking my mom when I was younger, "Do you think all truth is in the Bible?" I honestly don't even remember how she answered that question, but I think it caught her by surprise. The one thing I do remember is that she never discouraged me from asking questions about my faith. And I think that was more important than either of us realized at the time. 

I never stopped asking that question, but it evolved over time. Eventually, that question hit everything that I believed to be true: my theology, my identity in the Church, my understanding of the world and everyone in it. I came out. I married my wife. I left the Church. I began to ask a more honest question than "Is this Biblical?" I slowly rebuilt my worldview and faith by asking, "What if I'm wrong about this?" 

I know, I know. It's a strange question to build your worldview on. I'm sure some view me as a lost soul, but that's okay. I would have thought the same thing about the current me 10 years ago. I began using a new litmus test for my beliefs: does this cause harm — to me or to anyone else? There are times when that question is easily answered and causes little discomfort. And there are other times when I have to really take a step back, humble myself, and reflect on it. It's deeply unsettling to realize you were wrong about so many things and that your belief system harmed others, so I understand why so many people avoid asking that question.

As I continue to reflect on my current and former beliefs, I think my "this isn't home" did real damage — and not just to me. If this world is broken and temporary, and we strangers are just awaiting our final home, then we stop caring for it. Why would we be good stewards of something we hope ends? I'd go even further. . . that theology wants to see this world decline, because that decline becomes further proof that the story is ending the way it it supposed to end. The wait is almost over. Suffering is almost over. If only we can just wait a little longer, we will be free. There is no incentive to fix something that you want to end. 

I don't believe that anymore. I'm not entirely sure what I believe, but I know that I want to leave my little space of the world better than I found it. Whatever that may look like. When you wrestle with your understanding of life and death and the world around you, you begin to cherish the here and now. It's completely changed how I view everything — the planet, my body, and the relationships with the people in my life, including the one with my wife, which I almost didn't get to have at all.

So the name of my blog had to change. I'm not a stranger in this world. I'm home. I'm going to use this little corner of the World Wide Web to write about what that looks like. I'll be reflecting on my beliefs. The beliefs I've kept, the beliefs I've abandoned, and the ones that I'm still wrestling with. 

If you read any of my old blog posts, welcome back. If you're new here, welcome. It may get a little messy, but I'm not afraid of mess anymore. 

This is home.



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