This Is Home

I found myself unable to sleep a few nights ago, and this was the result . . . It isn't until nightfall that you feel it, The ache for rest never found. When your head hits the pillow, And your gaze is Heaven-bound. You feed the anxious thoughts: Can I trust? Do I matter? Am I really enough? In this moment of transparency You shed a fear-filled tear. Your eyes fall heavily. You wonder if He hears. You sleep, then you dream. Of all that which you hope for, Yet never see. 

These are 22 snapshots into the past 22 years of my life. It was INCREDIBLY difficult to choose just 22 photos, so don't feel sad if you aren't included in any of them. If you are reading this, chances are we have walked a portion of our journeys together, and that is something that I truly appreciate. I have been blessed with so many wonderful people in my life. My mom, dad, and I. I still own that Flounder stuffed animal :)  I was THRILLED when we got Bonnie (the Butterscotch Beagle) My best friends growing up :) I decided to play soccer my senior year of high school - no regrets These girls were always cracking me up.                                                        I was blessed with some incredible friends in high school - miss them to pieces Why yes - we DID move our RA's desk i...

5 letters, but the bondage this word brings is immeasurable. Shame has a way of creeping in to every crevice of your life, continually feeding you lie after lie after lie. I recently heard a sermon in which the pastor labeled temptation as a lie. These lies are sweetly whispered into our ears. We hear them, we believe them, and we act upon them. You are . . . [fill in the blank].           A failure           Never going to be truly happy           Alone It is . . . [fill in the blank]          Just one time          Harmless          No big deal The power that shame can hold over a person can be crippling. Your thoughts, actions, words - they are all effected. Your life soon becomes a game in which the revealing of your "true identity" would, in your thoughts, end in heartbreak. No one can know this. That's it - you're c...

Since my father's death dreams have been a big part of my life. They have acted as both a channel for God to speak to me, as well as a foothold for the enemy. It's been almost five years since my father's death and I am sometimes still haunted with nightmares. I am writing this post to tell you of a dream that I too quickly labeled as a nightmare. I'm beginning to learn something about dreams. . . just because they "shake you up" it doesn't mean they are nightmares. I'm learning that God chooses to teach me about myself through dreams. He also reminds me of His goodness and faithfulness. Maybe that is why Satan chooses dreams as his way of getting to me. Anyway - The dream: I learn that my family has been the victim of a horrendous and unspeakable crime. Standing in our living room, facing the window, I begin to cry out to God. "Why would you let this happen to us, God?! Why?!" Amongst the pain and tears and confusion, anger began to sl...

Disclaimer: I don't have all the answers. The contents of this post are merely the result of some tough questions that I have been wrestling through with God over the course of the last few months. I, in no way, wish to debate. I am, however, open for discussion. While digging through some rather muddy waters, the thought that I keep coming back to is, "something's not right." I am no theologian - I don't even have my college degree yet, but it doesn't take a genius to recognize the inconsistencies within the claims of the Church and the actions that follow those claims. For example, we fight tooth and nail for the "sanctity of life," yet this doctrine seems to be nulled when homosexuality is thrown in the mix. We preach on the practices of forgiveness and reconciliation on Sunday, but come Monday continue to burn bridges in the name of "righteousness." To be honest, I am surprised that my jaw has not immediately dropped in response to...

Let me start out with a journal excerpt from November 4, 2009: They say things will get easier with time. They're wrong. 793 days later and my heart still aches the same. But what scares me the most is that I'm beginning to forget... I'm beginning to forget what your voice sounds like. I'm beginning to forget the feeling of your embrace. I'm beginning to forget. Memories of you are becoming distant. My fists grow weak as I cling to fading memories. It has now been 1,654 since my dad passed away. The past few days have been pretty rough. Four and a half years later and I am beginning to fully face the realities of life without my daddy. It's strange, but my dad is always still in my dreams. It's like a part of me still hasn't fully grasped the fact that he is gone. Honestly, I cling to the fact that he is still in my dreams. It assures me that I haven't forgotten him (I know, it seems silly. Who would ever forget their dad, right?). What sparked this ...

You know those days/weeks/months that you are constantly on the go and when you finally sit down you feel like you never want to move again? Well, I'm experiencing that right now. I have been debating for the past 15 minutes or so whether or not I should muster up the energy required to make coffee--pathetic, I know. Honestly, I wouldn't mind snuggling up with my penguin pillow pet and resting my eyes for a bit. Unfortunately, "resting my eyes" has a high potential of turning into a 12 hour nap :P What's even worse is that I haven't started studying for my 2 midterms that I have tomorrow morning. You may be wondering why I am writing a blog instead of studying. My answer: because I feel like it. Yes, I recognize that my logic is flawed. Don't you worry--I'll study...eventually.