The Shadows of Shame.

5 letters, but the bondage this word brings is immeasurable. Shame has a way of creeping in to every crevice of your life, continually feeding you lie after lie after lie. I recently heard a sermon in which the pastor labeled temptation as a lie. These lies are sweetly whispered into our ears. We hear them, we believe them, and we act upon them.

You are . . . [fill in the blank].

          A failure

          Never going to be truly happy

          Alone

It is . . . [fill in the blank]

         Just one time

         Harmless

         No big deal

The power that shame can hold over a person can be crippling. Your thoughts, actions, words - they are all effected. Your life soon becomes a game in which the revealing of your "true identity" would, in your thoughts, end in heartbreak. No one can know this. That's it - you're convinced.

Another lie whispered and believed.
Another face hidden safely behind a mask.
Another heart hurting in the shadows of shame.

nightmare.

Since my father's death dreams have been a big part of my life. They have acted as both a channel for God to speak to me, as well as a foothold for the enemy. It's been almost five years since my father's death and I am sometimes still haunted with nightmares. I am writing this post to tell you of a dream that I too quickly labeled as a nightmare. I'm beginning to learn something about dreams. . . just because they "shake you up" it doesn't mean they are nightmares. I'm learning that God chooses to teach me about myself through dreams. He also reminds me of His goodness and faithfulness. Maybe that is why Satan chooses dreams as his way of getting to me.

Anyway - The dream:

I learn that my family has been the victim of a horrendous and unspeakable crime.
Standing in our living room, facing the window, I begin to cry out to God.
"Why would you let this happen to us, God?! Why?!" Amongst the pain and tears and confusion, anger began to slip in. . .toward God. Instead of crying out to Him, I started yelling at Him. I wiped the tears from my face and looked out the window. There he was. The man that was responsible for the earlier mentioned crime. My anger boiled over. I cursed at him and hit the window. I was yelling at the top of my lungs "Why would you do this to us?! I hate you!" My tears were causing my sight to blur. I blinked. He was gone. All I could see was my reflection, yet I continued to yell and curse. I knew he was there. I wanted him to know how horrible of a person he was. How much pain he had caused me and my family. I truly believed that he deserved to die for what he did.

I woke up from the dream and immediately labeled it as a nightmare.
I went to church the next morning and during worship, I thought of the dream.
A vivid replay went through my head.
I couldn't shake it.

Was the man that was "responsible" for all of this hurt ever really outside my window?
Was I yelling at myself the whole time?

amongst the grays.

Disclaimer: I don't have all the answers. The contents of this post are merely the result of some tough questions that I have been wrestling through with God over the course of the last few months. I, in no way, wish to debate. I am, however, open for discussion.

While digging through some rather muddy waters, the thought that I keep coming back to is, "something's not right." I am no theologian - I don't even have my college degree yet, but it doesn't take a genius to recognize the inconsistencies within the claims of the Church and the actions that follow those claims. For example, we fight tooth and nail for the "sanctity of life," yet this doctrine seems to be nulled when homosexuality is thrown in the mix. We preach on the practices of forgiveness and reconciliation on Sunday, but come Monday continue to burn bridges in the name of "righteousness."

To be honest, I am surprised that my jaw has not immediately dropped in response to some things that I have heard self-proclaimed "Christ followers" say. What's even worse is that many Christians use the Word of God to condone their prejudice, hatred, and mudslinging. Yep - you heard me right. Verses like Matthew 5:11 - "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me." - are used as justification for Christians to act and speak in ways that would (I'm pretty sure) cause Jesus to toss over a few tables in frustration. I can't imagine that God intended this verse to promise blessings to believers who treat others with an immense amount of disrespect. We often apply this verse to "us" (believers) versus "them" (non-believers) situations, but what if it was speaking more toward Pharisees "versus" Disciples (both of whom are "believers")? What if the persecution that Jesus was referring to was actually the result of Christ followers actually following Christ's lead? I'm not wanting to teach watered down doctrine or tolerance, in fact I'm speaking against it. As I said earlier, I'm not wanting a debate, but I encourage you to seriously and prayerfully re-evaluate the Church. As they say, everything is not always black and white. I challenge you to wrestle with the questions that are found amongst the grays.

p.s. I have not lost hope in the Church.

1,654 days.

Let me start out with a journal excerpt from November 4, 2009:

They say things will get easier with time.
They're wrong.
793 days later and my heart still aches the same.
But what scares me the most is that
I'm beginning to forget...
I'm beginning to forget what your voice sounds like.
I'm beginning to forget the feeling of your embrace.
I'm beginning to forget.
Memories of you are becoming distant.
My fists grow weak as I cling to fading memories.

It has now been 1,654 since my dad passed away. The past few days have been pretty rough. Four and a half years later and I am beginning to fully face the realities of life without my daddy.

It's strange, but my dad is always still in my dreams. It's like a part of me still hasn't fully grasped the fact that he is gone. Honestly, I cling to the fact that he is still in my dreams. It assures me that I haven't forgotten him (I know, it seems silly. Who would ever forget their dad, right?).

What sparked this blog post was the fact that my dad wasn't in my dream the other night, but my step-dad was. I woke up with a jumble of emotions...I was bitter, sad, angry, scared, and more. Am I forgetting him? Have I moved on? How do you move on from losing your father as a junior in high school?

The wound is still raw. I miss him. Alot.

can't. move.

You know those days/weeks/months that you are constantly on the go and when you finally sit down you feel like you never want to move again? Well, I'm experiencing that right now. I have been debating for the past 15 minutes or so whether or not I should muster up the energy required to make coffee--pathetic, I know. Honestly, I wouldn't mind snuggling up with my penguin pillow pet and resting my eyes for a bit. Unfortunately, "resting my eyes" has a high potential of turning into a 12 hour nap :P What's even worse is that I haven't started studying for my 2 midterms that I have tomorrow morning. You may be wondering why I am writing a blog instead of studying. My answer: because I feel like it. Yes, I recognize that my logic is flawed. Don't you worry--I'll study...eventually.

the good, the bad, the ugly.

One theme that God has been placing in my life over the past few years is one of vulnerability.

Merriam-Webster online Dictionary defines "vulnerable" as:

1. capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

2. open to attack or damage

My gut reaction to the idea of vulnerability is "No way!" But when God continues to whisper something over and over and over and over and OVER in your life, it becomes difficult to ignore after some time. Opening yourself up to the possibility of being hurt is terrifying, but it is out of vulnerability that some of the most amazingly beautiful moments are created.

Monday.

Today is a good day! Scratch that--today is a WONDERFUL day!

Today, I broke my long streak of "Hot Mess Mondays."

I got up early and had breakfast with Courtney. She's legit. So thankful for her!

My environment & society class consisted of watching a movie about corn and making dirt pudding.

THE SUN IS SHINING!!!

A girl in my Philosophy class moved in her chair and it made a sound that almost exactly resembled a Wookiee from Star Wars.

We sang "Lean on Me" in chapel.

THE SUN IS SHINING!!!

We went to a cemetery in my lab today, which sounds morbid, but it was rather fascinating.

I was able to continue to enjoy the beautiful weather by walking with Marcy (she be cool, real cool) to Elder.

Have I mentioned that THE SUN IS SHINING?!!!

Today is just a delightful day :)

Recently I have been left in a state of awe and gratitude in light of God's faithfulness.

I could write a whole book about it! Hmm...maybe I will ;)

7 days later...

It has been 7 days since I indefinitely deactivated my Facebook, and I couldn't be more at peace about taking a break from the numerous status updates, engagement announcements, relationship changes, notifications, event invites, etc.

As sad as it may seem, I find myself sitting in my room at times when I would normally be on Facebook and wondering what in the world I should do with all of my extra time.

A few things I am doing:

• Devotions (I am determined to do this whole One Year Bible thing)
• Focusing more on intentionality in my friendships
• Homework (Say whaaaatttt?!?! Yep, you heard me right)
• Keeping up-to-date on current events
• Training for a 5k
• Embracing the opportunities found in each and every day

The first few Facebook-less days were quite a challenge for me. I found myself opening my computer and immediately typing "www.facebook.com" It was ridiculous and somewhat disgusting how I was in a sort of auto-pilot--automatically going to Facebook before doing anything else on my computer. I never fully realized how much my life revolved around that online social network until now.

*raises invisible glass*

So here's to living my life outside of Facebook.

yep, i did it.

uncertainties.

I've been on campus for 5 days.

I was already completely exhausted by the first day of classes.

Since returning to campus, my nights have consisted of very little sleep. Not that I don't TRY to sleep. I just can't. If I could pick one word to describe my feelings the past few days, it would be restless.

My RA application is due in 9 days, but I have yet to start it. Every time that I sit down to work on the essays, I am completely overcome by fear. I absolutely hate the unknown. It scares the bajeebies out of me! I think this has been the cause of my inability to sleep.

Now that I have been a Negative Nancy, let me tell you something: God is faithful.

Yesterday I hit a low point. By the time 10pm rolled around, I was completely drained--I had nothing left to offer. After our little Welcome Back Bash for Westside, I went to my room. Once I shut my door, I began to cry. I needed rest.

Still crying, I fell into my bed, and the only prayer that I could muster up was:

"God, I need you. I'm exhausted."

Though I didn't have enough energy to form anything close to an eloquent prayer, God still heard me. I slept like a rock! God is good :)

Today's happy thoughts:

- I'm alive.

- I got 7 solid hours of sleep last night.

- McConn had my favorite fresh brew: Black Label.

"In the new year, I will live one day at a time. I will make each day one of preparation for better things ahead. I will not dwell on the past or the future, only on the present. I will bury every fear of the future, all thoughts of unkindness and bitterness, all my dislikes, my resentments, my sense of failure, my disappointments in others and in myself, my gloom and my despondency. I will leave all these things buried and go forward..."

[Taken from: Twenty-four Hours a Day]