the good, the bad, the ugly.

One theme that God has been placing in my life over the past few years is one of vulnerability.

Merriam-Webster online Dictionary defines "vulnerable" as:

1. capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

2. open to attack or damage

My gut reaction to the idea of vulnerability is "No way!" But when God continues to whisper something over and over and over and over and OVER in your life, it becomes difficult to ignore after some time. Opening yourself up to the possibility of being hurt is terrifying, but it is out of vulnerability that some of the most amazingly beautiful moments are created.

Monday.

Today is a good day! Scratch that--today is a WONDERFUL day!

Today, I broke my long streak of "Hot Mess Mondays."

I got up early and had breakfast with Courtney. She's legit. So thankful for her!

My environment & society class consisted of watching a movie about corn and making dirt pudding.

THE SUN IS SHINING!!!

A girl in my Philosophy class moved in her chair and it made a sound that almost exactly resembled a Wookiee from Star Wars.

We sang "Lean on Me" in chapel.

THE SUN IS SHINING!!!

We went to a cemetery in my lab today, which sounds morbid, but it was rather fascinating.

I was able to continue to enjoy the beautiful weather by walking with Marcy (she be cool, real cool) to Elder.

Have I mentioned that THE SUN IS SHINING?!!!

Today is just a delightful day :)

Recently I have been left in a state of awe and gratitude in light of God's faithfulness.

I could write a whole book about it! Hmm...maybe I will ;)

7 days later...

It has been 7 days since I indefinitely deactivated my Facebook, and I couldn't be more at peace about taking a break from the numerous status updates, engagement announcements, relationship changes, notifications, event invites, etc.

As sad as it may seem, I find myself sitting in my room at times when I would normally be on Facebook and wondering what in the world I should do with all of my extra time.

A few things I am doing:

• Devotions (I am determined to do this whole One Year Bible thing)
• Focusing more on intentionality in my friendships
• Homework (Say whaaaatttt?!?! Yep, you heard me right)
• Keeping up-to-date on current events
• Training for a 5k
• Embracing the opportunities found in each and every day

The first few Facebook-less days were quite a challenge for me. I found myself opening my computer and immediately typing "www.facebook.com" It was ridiculous and somewhat disgusting how I was in a sort of auto-pilot--automatically going to Facebook before doing anything else on my computer. I never fully realized how much my life revolved around that online social network until now.

*raises invisible glass*

So here's to living my life outside of Facebook.

yep, i did it.

uncertainties.

I've been on campus for 5 days.

I was already completely exhausted by the first day of classes.

Since returning to campus, my nights have consisted of very little sleep. Not that I don't TRY to sleep. I just can't. If I could pick one word to describe my feelings the past few days, it would be restless.

My RA application is due in 9 days, but I have yet to start it. Every time that I sit down to work on the essays, I am completely overcome by fear. I absolutely hate the unknown. It scares the bajeebies out of me! I think this has been the cause of my inability to sleep.

Now that I have been a Negative Nancy, let me tell you something: God is faithful.

Yesterday I hit a low point. By the time 10pm rolled around, I was completely drained--I had nothing left to offer. After our little Welcome Back Bash for Westside, I went to my room. Once I shut my door, I began to cry. I needed rest.

Still crying, I fell into my bed, and the only prayer that I could muster up was:

"God, I need you. I'm exhausted."

Though I didn't have enough energy to form anything close to an eloquent prayer, God still heard me. I slept like a rock! God is good :)

Today's happy thoughts:

- I'm alive.

- I got 7 solid hours of sleep last night.

- McConn had my favorite fresh brew: Black Label.

"In the new year, I will live one day at a time. I will make each day one of preparation for better things ahead. I will not dwell on the past or the future, only on the present. I will bury every fear of the future, all thoughts of unkindness and bitterness, all my dislikes, my resentments, my sense of failure, my disappointments in others and in myself, my gloom and my despondency. I will leave all these things buried and go forward..."

[Taken from: Twenty-four Hours a Day]

enough.

We live in a culture that is always seeking more--more happiness, more income, more cures, more friends, more education. . .blah, blah, blah.

This type of lifestyle results in an overwhelming sense of emptiness. It's a sick cycle--the more you have, the more you want. You never have enough; you're never completely satisfied.

I'm no expert, but I do know that seeking to fill the void in your life with things that are seen will only temporarily satisfy your desire for more.

Though I know this and recognize it as Truth, it is sometimes hard for me to live my life according to it. Over the past few months I have been struggling with the whole idea of having a "go-to person"--someone who I can always depend on. Someone that can offer encouragement when I'm feeling discouraged, as well as a smack in the face when I'm acting stupid. Right now I can't say that I have that person, and I find myself wallowing and wishing that I had that kind of a best friend. Don't get me wrong, I have an absolutely amazing group of friends, but somehow I find myself wanting more. I look at people around me and think, "I want what they have." Let me tell you something: this way of life is not something that I would encourage you to have. It leads you down a path of loneliness and feelings of insufficiency. I don't want this for myself nor anyone else.

I pray that we all may learn to recognize that God is MORE than enough. He is the only one that can fully satisfy the deepest desires of our hearts.

In the Quiet.

Yesterday I was part of an event created to bring awareness for World Aids Day. Everyone who participated was assigned a "time of death," after which we had to remain silent for the rest of the day. Honestly, I didn't think it would be that hard for me to refrain from talking, but boy was I wrong!

It wasn't required, but I also made a commitment to fast from Facebook and texting after my "time of death." Left with no voice for 13 hours, I found myself overwhelmed with a sense of loneliness. You know that saying, "you never know what you have until it's gone?" Yeah...that pretty much sums up my experience yesterday.

The silver lining:

Though not being able to speak was sometimes frustrating, it gave me the opportunity to listen. Unfortunately, I think we sometimes forget how to practice the art of listening. Yesterday several friends of mine, knowing that I wasn't able to speak, sat on the couch in my room and talked about their days/how they are doing. I had nothing to offer them but a listening ear, but that was just what they needed. I shall now add that to the list of reasons why I don't believe in coincidences.